How To Handle A "Meanie"
Written by Victoria Leal
You've heard people say, "He is mean" or "She is mean" but have you ever stopped to think, why are they this way? My own personal experiences of someone saying or doing mean and hurtful things to me, either to my face or behind my back, (we mustn't leave you out) and taking notice of so much hurt and pain that I see in others, has prompted me to explore how to handle this "Meanie."
When a person says or does mean and hurtful things to another, the first thing one must do is to recognize the apparent "Meanie" for who they really are. This is a person who is lacking in self love. If they truly loved themselves, they would want to do no harm to others. You have heard the saying, "Misery loves company," well, people who do not know how to love themselves and who intentionally inflict hurt and pain on others, love company too! They are people who, themselves, have been hurt by something someone said or did to them and as a result, being an ugly, spiteful, hurtful person is who they have learned to become.
The second thing one must do is to realize that you are a reflection of them. Meaning, what they say or do to you is a reflection of how they feel about or what they see in themselves. They will try to deflect what they don't like about themselves onto you. I can guarantee you that anyone who says or does mean and hurtful things to another is someone who is not feeling good about themselves. For it is impossible for them to feel good about themselves and hurt you, in that same moment. Regardless of the lies they are telling themselves to justify their actions.
The third thing you must do is to allow the hurt to pass right over you. No matter how hard we try to deflect the hurt and pain caused by others, we are still human and the fact remains that it still hurts. Especially, if this pain is caused by someone that you love and care about. Have you ever noticed how someone you don't care about can be mean to you and all it does is piss you off? But when that hurt is coming from someone you care about, it causes you pain in your heart. You must release that pain. Do not allow it to settle inside of you. Discard it like you would a garment that no longer fits you. That release may come in the form of tears, or writing about it, or even getting angry. But under no circumstances should you try to hurt them back, for you will have become just like them.
And finally, learn to love yourself more. You should love yourself more than anyone else can. This does not mean to be arrogant or conceited, for that is false. When you truly love yourself, you will not want to say or do things that will hurt others. You must remember that what ever has happened to you in the past, to cause your pain, is just that... The PAST... Let it go! Especially, your childhood hurts. For you are now an adult... Let It Go Right Now!
Forgive those who have hurt you and more importantly, forgive yourself for the hurt and pain you have caused to others. Forgiveness is the KEY. And if you are reading this right now, you have been given the blessed opportunity to start fresh, in this moment. Love yourself in a way that you treat yourself better than anyone else can ever do. Do not allow others to say or do anything to you that you would not say or do to yourself. And while we are at it, you MUST eliminate ALL negative self talk! Love YOU!
So, the next time someone says mean or hurtful things to you, about you, or even about someone that you love, feel sorry for them. Yes, pity them! Because now you know what a painful life they must be living in order to intentionally inflict their pain upon you. And no matter what they say or do to hurt you, do not take it on. It's like that garment you know does not fit you, discard it. Don't even try it on. Don't take it home. Do not allow their hurt to live in your heart.
And to those who are inflicting this pain and hurt on others, being the "Meanie", STOP IT RIGHT NOW! Just stop it! If you are continuing to live a life of pain and hurt, you must know that it is because of the hurt and pain you have inflicted on others. You too, need to let go of the past and learn to love yourself in such a way that it would be impossible for you to intentionally inflict hurt or pain upon another living soul.
Dr. Wayne Dyer is quoted as saying, "What you think about me is none of my business." That is a very true statement, in the sense that you cannot control what others think, say, or do, so why take that weight upon your shoulders? But what you can do is to build a fortress of love for yourself, so strong, that the hurt and pain will be enveloped by love and can no longer exist on their own. Because the truth is that even though what others think about you is truly none of your business, sometimes the hurt will still seep in, but it must not be allowed to stay.
And to those who have intentionally said or done mean or hurtful things to me, either to my face or behind my back (we mustn't leave you out), I forgive you. But know this, you will not be allowed to continue and you have been cut off from having the ability to hurt me anymore. I see the child inside of you that is still hurting but I will not be your trash receptacle. You can no longer dump your pain and hurt upon me. The Dump is Closed!
I love myself and although you have been forgiven, your purpose has been fulfilled, and should you choose to continue, you have no place in my life, no matter who you are. The hurt and pain you have inflicted upon me have now been released. For I am the Power and the Presence of God and I love me and I strongly encourage you to love you! After all, all the Grinch needed, in the end, was LOVE.
About the Author:
Victoria Leal is the Owner of Reality Check.bravesites.com. To find helpful information on how to live the kind of life you deserve, please visit: http://realitycheck.bravesites.com This article is copyright 2012 by Victoria Leal and may be reprinted in its entirety as long as this byline and copyright statement are included.
A Review of the Online Dating Site Plenty of Fish
Written by Victoria Leal
If you participate in online dating, then you need to know about PlentyofFish. PlentyofFish is one of the largest Free online dating sites in the country. This online dating site has been on magazine covers featured in the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, The Today Show, CNN, FOX and hundreds of others. But the vast majority of singles hear about it because their friends have had a really good experience using their dating service.
In 2001, Markus Frind, the founder and owner of PlentyofFish, was messing around on dating sites “because I was bored and wanted to chat with people,” he said and it was then when he was struck by the utter lameness of their sign-up fees. For what? he thought. And in 2003, Plenty of Fish was officially launched as a completely free online dating site which now has over 45 million users, world wide. On POF, you can find what ever you are looking for from marriage to a one night stand. The owner of the site doesn't judge and neither do I.
Here is an excerpt from an article posted by Maryam Sanati of The Globe and Mail Report on Business, published Thursday, Aug. 25 2011, regarding PlentyofFish:
"In online dating, which attracts roughly 1.4 billion consumers globally, Sundays are particularly fruitful— the day when single people feel most alone. And so it was that, on a Sunday in May, PlentyofFish hit a record 6.2 million log-ins in a single day. (The site has since jumped the seven-million mark.) The breakthrough moment allowed Frind to post a soaring fever chart on his blog. “Hard to believe after eight years PlentyofFish still has non-stop growth with no signs of slowing down any time soon,” he wrote.
According to the media tracker comScore, PlentyofFish draws a staggering 2.8 billion page views per month, compared to 723 million for Match.com, and has 6.3 million unique visitors, about the same as its Dallas-based arch-nemesis. And the newly launched PlentyofFish mobile app, Frind claims, has been downloaded by one million users. “It didn’t really exist before Christmas and now it’s half of PlentyofFish usage,” he says. It irks Frind that a recent Financial Times piece gave Match.com props for enabling 1.2 billion e-mail exchanges over the past six years. He declares that PlentyofFish users send 5.5 billion e-mail messages to one another in a single year."
From the website, as of July 2012:
"POF is number one and still growing. The site grows, on average, 30% every year! 45 million members, 20 million messages sent per day, 40 000 new signups per day, and over 1.26 million average daily visits per month!"
Personally having been a member of both, free and paid sites, I will take Plentyof Fish over any paid site, any day! The reason being is that you can do the same, and more, on POF, for free as opposed to paying a monthly fee for some of the same or lesser features. There is a great misconception out there that says you will find a better quality person on a paid site than you would on a free site. And to that I say, "Horse Pucky!" Scammers and creeps have credit cards too, and they probably belong to someone else. And you will find them on any paid site, just as much as you would a free dating site.
Even with the millions of members already, I believe that the majority of people are just not aware that the site exist and that is why I wanted to write a review of what I found. I have only heard of it a few months ago and I have been a participant of dating sites for a few years.
Comparing PlentyofFish to Paid Online Dating Sites
Sure, paid sites will allow you to post a profile, for free. Some will even allow you to see who has viewed your profile, but that is about it! One very popular online dating site for Black people will allow you to see who has viewed you, send a flirt, or add someone to your favorites, but anything else, you have to pay for it. Without paying, you cannot see who has flirted with you, or who has added you as a favorite, nor can you see who has sent you a message, let alone reading it or replying. Also, unless you are a paid member, you cannot chat with anyone or even see who is trying to chat with you. These are all paid features. It is absolutely pointless to become a free member on a paid site.
There is however, another popular dating site for Blacks that will allow you to communicate, by email, with a member who has upgraded to premium. Otherwise, if you are a free member, the most you can do is to see who has viewed you, and send them a wink. They advertise that you can send one free message to a member. However, what they don't tell you is that you will choose from a selection of subject lines and unless one of you are a paid member, this is all they will see... the subject line. In order to see the full message or reply to a message, one of you must be a paid member.
Then you have one of the most expensive paid sites that is completely useless to a free member, even on their supposed "Free Weekends." You cannot even see who has view your profile unless you are a paid member. And you can forget about any kind of communication. Some of these expensive paid sites promote some sort of Matching System and this is what you are paying for. However, PlentyofFish has used a free “Behavioral Matching Engine” for years that was featured on a 2007 segment of The Today Show. Frind says, "years before any other dating sites even knew that kind of stuff was possible. I feed it with nearly 20 billion pieces of data.”
What Can You Do With A Free POF Membership:
* You can create your profile and pretty much write what you want, within reason. You can be reported by other users for inappropriate content. However, unlike other paid sites where your profile greeting and photos have to go through a screening process and possibly get deleted, your profile greeting and photos get posted to the site and is immediately viewable by others. No more waiting for your profile or pictures to be approved.
* You can communicate by system email and by system chat, completely free. You can also set restrictions to your profile which will keep certain people from even being able to contact you. For example, if someone is legally separated and you have restricted all married persons, then that person will not be able to contact you. However, if you contact someone in a restricted category first, then they can contact you.
* Basic search and Advanced search engines that will allow you to find exactly who you are looking for. You can specify about their Ethnicity, smoking or drinking habits, their intentions of whether they are just looking for a date, a long-term relationship, or even those who want to get married.
* "Meet Me" feature that allows you to say Yes, No, or Maybe to someone's profile. If you said Yes, they will be sent an email letting them know that someone wants to meet them. Also, if both of you said Yes, both of you will be notified of the Match. One caveat about this feature is that you do not get to choose whose profile you will look at. They are shown to you in random order and each person will know that you have viewed their profile. I don't use this feature.
* You can participate in the POF Forums, completely free. As a community of more than 45 million individual opinions and ways of experiencing the world, POF is always coming up with new ways for their users to meet, go on dates, and fall in love. Their forums are just another great platform that allows the users to come together to communicate and share with each other. Here you can begin a discussion, pose a question, offer your feedback, and start connecting with other local singles right in the forum. Here you will also be able to have others review your profile for effectiveness.
* Announcements of Events for local singles in your area, including "Meet and Mingles". A free membership does however have ads on the page, and in fact, this is how they make their money. PlentyofFish’s earnings, generated solely from advertising, are in the tens of millions.
PlentyofFish also has Upgraded features for a fee. These include:
* Access to Ultra Match
* See if your emails were read or deleted
* Experience POF ad-free
* Find out the date and time someone viewed your profile
* See who viewed your profile and you voted yes/maybe on
However, as you can see, from everything you can do for free, an upgraded profile is not really necessary.
Online Dating Tips for a Safe and Pleasurable Experience
This review would not be complete without some tips for safety and a pleasurable experience on PlentyofFish. If you were to do a search for PlentyofFish, you will find some negative reviews but I believe this all depends on the person's approach. Online dating is not as taboo as it used to be and the sites are not just filled with desperate and lonely people, like some falsely believe. I have had the good fortune to meet some wonderful gentlemen who enjoy their lives. And as a Black woman, I am mostly interested in the African American segment of the POF community which is growing more and more everyday. We just need to spread the word so that others can stop wasting their money on these paid dating sites.
With that being said, here are some things for you to consider when registering at PlentyofFish, or any online dating site, for that matter. These are in no particular order:
1. Be the person you would like to meet. If honesty and integrity are important to you, then do not lie in your profile. Also, just like lying, don't post photos of yourself that are 10 years old and then be surprised when the person meets you in person and wants nothing further to do with you. Be Yourself!
2. Treat yourself with respect. If you post provocative or almost nude photos of yourself then in your profile you say that you want a "God Fearing" man who respects you, guest who you are more likely to attract? The man who most likely wants a one night stand and who does not respect you.
3. Be honest with yourself about what you will or will not accept. This has nothing to do with compromise. For example, if you would prefer a non-smoker, don't settle for a smoker when that is not who you really want. Do not settle for anyone and most importantly, do not allow anyone to settle for you.
4. Beware of Scammers. Here are some signs that you may be dealing with a scammer. First, it is free to use the system email to communicate so stay away from anyone who sends you their personal email address and wants you to write them or who request your personal email address. Giving out your personal information is not necessary.
This also brings up the subject of profiles with no photos. They may say if you send me your email address, I will send you a photo. Don't do it! Granted, there may be legitimate reasons why someone does not post a photo but generally, I shy away from those types of profiles.
Second, if you receive a first message that is just glowing about how beautiful or handsome you are, then they proceed to tell you all about themselves, which is different information than what is on their profile, more than likely, this is a message that has been copied and pasted to hundreds of people. This may or may not be a scammer, but it is so impersonal that it is not even worth pursuing.
Third, if you receive a message that is in broken English and the style of writing is so different than what is written in the profile, more than likely, you have a scammer. One thing I have noticed with my share of scammers is that they will not answer a direct question. And the most popular type of scammer is a widow / widower.
5. Most importantly, TRUST Your Instincts. This is so very important and can save you a lot of heartache. When you are viewing a profile and you immediately get an uncomfortable feeling, listen! You may think this is a little "woo woo" but the more you trust your instincts, the sharper they become and the less chance you have of being scammed. It doesn't matter how beautiful she is or how handsome he is, that feeling that something is not right is coming from a bonafide source. Don't forget, there are thousands of "Fake" profiles, along with fake photos to match, on both free and paid sites.
6. And finally, be polite. I respond to every message I receive, even if it is just to say something like this, "Thank you for your message. However, I don't believe we are a match but I wish you all the best in finding the one who is right for you." I have never had anyone come back with a nasty reply. Mostly, they either do not reply any further or they reply reciprocating their well wishes for my success. I have learned that people just want to be treated with respect and that is not hard to do.
If you follow these tips, you can have a safe and pleasant visit on PlentyofFish. I wish you the best in finding what you are looking for whether it is just friendship or your soul mate.
About the Author:
Victoria Leal is the Owner of Reality Check.bravesites.com. To find helpful information on how to live the kind of life you deserve, please visit: http://realitycheck.bravesites.com To go directly to the PlentyofFish website, visit:
http://www.pof.com. This article is copyright 2012 by Victoria Leal and may be reprinted in it's entirety as long as this byline and copyright statement are included.
I Am You, You Are Me
Written by Victoria Leal
We try so hard to be individuals, different from the rest, but deep down inside we share a common best. We try very hard to stand out from the crowd, to see that we are one, our egos will not allow.
From the man on the streets to the woman in the high rise, we share a common best, we are all the same inside. Our common best is the love of our creator, a love so pure, so true, there is none greater.
It matters not the color of your skin, your age, your race, or your national origin. What matters most is what we share, it is the love of our creator, the one who truly cares.
I am you and you are me, although we look different, the sameness is plain to see. You and I were created out of love, there was no hate, below or above.
We are all a part of the same great whole, which means we are all equal, with no one to control. Your feelings and emotions are the same as mine, with a connection to our creator, a connection to the divine.
About the Author:
Victoria Leal is the Owner of Reality Check.bravesites.com. To find helpful information on how to live the kind of life you deserve, please visit: http://realitycheck.bravesites.com This article is copyright 2012 by Victoria Leal and may be reprinted in it's entirety as long as this byline and copyright statement are included.
What Is Unhappiness?
Written by Victoria Leal
Unhappiness is the experience of giving your power away. Your power over your emotions, your thoughts, and your feelings. No one can make you feel anything. No one can make you think anything. When they do, you have given them express permission to take your power away from you. Although, in truth, they can never take your real power. However, you are allowing them to occupy a space within you where they have no business being.
Those persons who love to blame others for their unhappiness are their own worse enemy because they do not realize that they are at the core of everything. Therefore, they like to try and make others feel responsible for their unhappiness when they do not get what they want. However, those in the know, know that you cannot be responsible for another person's unhappiness; just like you can never really change anyone. All you can do is ask them to look within if they do not like what they see outside of themselves.
For most people, this is a hard pill to swallow because that would be like admitting a weakness. But being unhappy is a choice, just like being happy is a choice. And the real weakness is in not looking within and discovering the real you. For when you look within and you learn to love yourself, then you also come to realize that you alone are responsible for yourself. You will then begin to make better decisions for yourself. You will stop giving your power away; you will stop blaming others; and you will be kinder to others.
And by the way, taking your power back does not mean verbally or physically abusing anyone that you have given permission to hold your power. This will only serve to take you away from who you really are and will further alienate you from yourself. Just remember, until you learn to be responsible for your own self, you can always look forward to your own unhappiness.
So, if you are unhappy tonight, take a good look inside and know that you have the power to change whatever is going on with you. You have heard the saying, "Where ever you go, there you are" which simply means that you are at the core of your own life. Get to the core, get to the root, and you will find that there is no one else to blame, for only you are there.
About the Author:
Victoria Leal is the Owner of Reality Check.bravesites.com. To find helpful information on how to live the kind of life you deserve, please visit: http://realitycheck.bravesites.com This article is copyright 2013 by Victoria Leal and may be reprinted in it's entirety as long as this byline and copyright statement are included.